Jonas
1Now the word of the President came to Jonas son of Douglas Amittai Randall, Jr., via the US Army draft office, saying, 2‘Go at once to Iraq, that dusty country, and police it; for the wickedness of Saddam’s family continues to vex me, and not everyone is accepting the government we’ve put in place.’ 3But Jonas set out to flee to Mexico from the presence of the President, since he had read in the New York Times online that the war in Iraq was illegal, and he was sort of a pacifist, and besides, he didn’t want to get himself blown to pieces. He went down to Freeport on the Texas coast, and found a party boat full of drag queens going to Tampico; so he paid his fare and went on board, to go with them to Tampico, away from the presence of the President and the draft office.
4 But a hurricane to rival Katrina rose up, and such a mighty storm came upon the sea that the boat threatened to break up. 5Then the queens were afraid, and screamed. They were all pretty drunk already, but they threw the rest of the booze that was in the ship into the sea, to lighten it. Jonas, meanwhile, had gone down into the hold of the ship and had lain down, and was fast asleep. 6The captain came and said to him, ‘What are you doing sound asleep? Get up, we’re praying! We’re not sure God’s gonna listen to us, but you look like a happy het, if a little bi-curious; c’mon, pray, and maybe God’ll spare us a thought so that we don’t perish.’
7 Upstairs, the rest of the queens were saying to one another, ‘Established religion has generally rejected us as being backslidden, hardened sinners. Heck, we might as well take our minds off drowning and ask the Magic 8-ball whose fault this is’. They shook the Magic 8-ball and said, ‘Is this because we’re queer?’; and the Magic 8-ball said, ‘Don’t count on it’. And they were surprised, and then they asked, ‘Is it because our moms are so disappointed in us?”; and the Magic 8-ball said, ‘Better not tell you now’. And finally they asked, ‘What, you mean this storm isn’t a judgement on our lifestyles? Is it actually to do with that skinny kid?’; and the Magic 8-ball said, ‘Signs point to yes’. 8Then they said to Jonas, ‘We’ve done this trip every June for the last six years and we’ve never drowned before. The Magic 8-ball seems to think it’s YOUR fault. What’s your job? Where do you come from? Whaddya say?’ 9‘I’m from Oklahoma,’ he replied. ‘I used to work as a petrol-pump attendant but I got fired. Now I’m dodging the draft. But I do go to church sometimes, and I’m pretty sure God wouldn’t want the Iraqis blown apart, even though they’re Muslims – so I don’t know who the President’s listening to when he says he wants to do God’s will.’ 10Then the queens were even more afraid, and said, ‘Oh, man, this must be somehow, like, bad karma ‘cause he worked in a gas station, and automobiles are really polluting, and the universe is angry!’ The queens knew that Jonas was fleeing from the presence of the draft office, because he had told them so, but they couldn’t see how the draft office could have whipped up a hurricane.
11 Then they said to him, ‘We don’t want to die before we get to Mexico. What shall we do to you to appease the universe?’ For the sea was growing more and more tempestuous, and they were getting queasy from seasickness on top of their mojitos. 12He said to them, ‘Give me a makeover, so I don’t look so conspicuous among y’all when we get to Mexico; and maybe also break one of my arms, and then I’ll fail the Army medical and I won’t have to go to Iraq. Maybe the President’s in league with a movie studio and they’ve caused this storm with their wind machines to make me go back. If you do my make-up then they won’t recognize me and the sea will quieten down for you; for I know it is because of me that this great storm has come upon you.’ 13The queens were too sea-sick to get his eyeliner right, and they weren’t convinced the plan would work anyway, so instead they tried hard to get the party boat back to land, but they couldn’t, for the sea grew more and more stormy against them. 14Getting desperate, in an alcoholic frenzy they cried out to God, ‘Hey, we’re told you hate fags, but we’re taking a chance on you listening to us today. We think maybe this storm was a result of climate change, exacerbated by excessive car use, and our skinny little friend here used to work as a petrol pump attendant so we’re blaming him. We know it sounds tenuous, but the Magic 8-ball wasn’t working out for us, and we’re pretty much willing to try anything at this point. Don’t let us perish on account of this kid’s life. It’s not that we want to murder him, per se; but everything was fine till he got on our boat. If he dies, he dies, but don’t blame us; presumably, you can do what you want.’ 15So they picked Jonas up and threw him into the sea; and the sea ceased from its raging. 16Suddenly sober, the queens said, “Oh shit. Was that just a coincidence? It had to be a coincidence, right? But, my gosh, what if it wasn’t? Honey, I think we just killed someone.” Then they feared God even more, and they sacrificed the Magic 8-ball and made vows that when they got to Mexico they’d find a convent and give the nuns all their money (and maybe try on their habits, just for fun).
17 But the President sent a police boat to come and pick up Jonas; and when they found his drivers’ license and realized who he was and that he was a draft-dodger, they put him in a cell, and Jonas was in the cell for three days and three nights, because the cops were also on their way to party in Mexico and they didn’t want to turn around and go back to Texas right away.
2Then Jonas prayed to God from the cell in the police boat, 2saying,
‘I called to the President out of my distress at the war,
and he didn’t answer me;
out of the dust of Comanche county I cried,
but it was you who heard my voice.
3You let the queens cast me into the deep,
into the heart of the seas,
and the flood surrounded me;
it was your waves and your billows that
passed over me.
4Then I said, “I am driven away
from your sight;
maybe the President’s right and you support the war after all. How will I ever look again
upon the First Episcopalian Church of Lawton, Oklahoma, and all the people who worship there?”
5The waters closed in over me;
the deep surrounded me;
then handcuffs were clapped around my wrists
6 and they dragged me into the police boat.
We came down to the land of Mexico
whose bars are closed to me because I’m in this cell;
yet you saved my life from the sea,
God, and you didn’t let me drown.
7As my life was ebbing away,
I remembered you, God;
and my prayer came to you,
onto your cloud, or wherever you are.
8Those who worship the President and the war in Iraq
forsake their true loyalty.
9But I with the voice of thanksgiving
will sacrifice to you, God;
what I have vowed I will do.
You saved me so I can live a good life!’
10Then God caused the police lieutenant to leave the cell open after Jonas’ evening meal, and Jonas scrambled out upon the dry land.
3A few months later, after Jonas had enjoyed the nightlife of Tampico, and had happened to meet up with the queens one night, and they’d screamed when they saw him as if they’d seen a ghost, and after they’d all done tequila slammers together and swapped e-mail addresses and there were no hard feelings, and he’d hitched back to Oklahoma and got a job as a ranch-hand with his uncle, the word of the President and the draft office came to Jonas a second time, saying, 2‘Get up, go to Iraq, that dusty country, and police it; for the wickedness of Saddam’s family continues to vex me, and not everyone is accepting the government we’ve put in place.’3This time there was no escape, and the queens hadn’t broken his arm after all, so Jonas was sent to Iraq, according to the word of the President. The army training was pretty brief, but intense, and somehow Jonas made it through the three months. 4 And Jonas’ division travelled to Iraq, and Jonas went on patrol in Mosul, going a day’s drive. And he decided to have a little fun, and let the Iraqis know he was on their side, and he cried out, ‘Forty days more, and we Americans will be gone!’ 5And the people of Iraq believed Jonas; they proclaimed a feast, and everyone, great and small, cheered.
6 When the news reached the democratically-elected government of Iraq, they were delighted that there’d be no more trigger-happy kids around the place, and that the American soldiers would get a chance to go home at last and go to college. 7Then the democratically-elected government had a proclamation made in Iraq: ‘Everyone behave! Nobody try to bomb the Americans while they’re still here; nobody be rash; nobody kick up a rumpus for the next forty days. Everyone turn from their evil ways and from the violence that is in their hands. 9If we don’t, who knows? The President may change his mind and not withdraw the US troops after all, and then we’ll never be able to govern our own land independently and make the best decisions for it.’
10 When the President saw what the Iraqis did, how they turned from their evil ways, the President decided not to keep the troops there for any longer; and he fulfilled Jonas’ prophecy, and the troops went back to America and most of them got to go to college. However, the President said he still wanted to control oil extraction and distribution in the region, and said he couldn’t promise that he wouldn’t use military force there again, even though the Iraqis had been given the gift of democracy.
4This was very displeasing to Jonas, and he became angry. 2He went to the White House and said, ‘Mr President! Isn’t this what I suspected while I was still in Oklahoma? That is why I fled to Mexico at the beginning; for I knew that you are a greedy President and avaricious, slow to believe that climate change results from human action, abounding in misguided patriotism, and reluctant to relent from punishing people, like those in Guantanamo, even when they haven’t actually had a trial yet. 3And now, Mr President, please grant me leave to emigrate, for it is better for me to die than to live in America.’ 4And the President said, ‘”See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda. It’s a time of sorrow and sadness when we lose a loss of life. Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream. I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family. I think anybody who doesn’t think I’m smart enough to handle the job is misunderestimating.’ 5Then Jonas went out of Oklahoma and settled down on the east coast, where people were aware of the world beyond American shores, and he started a political magazine based there. He worked there in the shade, petitioning politicians and raising awareness of environmental issues, waiting to see what would become of the country.
6 The President upheld free speech and opposed censorship, so no-one could close down Jonas’ political magazine even though it heavily criticized US foreign policy; so Jonas was very happy about the Bush. 7But when the President realized that people were making him look bad, the President passed an amendment outlawing anyone who spoke up against him. People were afraid to buy Jonas’ magazine, and the magazine folded. 8As the weather gradually got crazier and crazier, there was a sultry east wind, and Jonas couldn’t afford to have his air-conditioner fixed, and the sun beat down on the head of Jonas so that he was faint and asked that he might die. He said, ‘It is better for me to die than to live.’
9 God said to Jonas, ‘Is it right for you to be angry about the Bush?’ And he said, ‘Yes, angry enough to die.’ 10Then God said, ‘You are concerned about the Bush, for whom you did not vote and whom you do not respect; his administration came into being over many years but it will perish in a night. 11But should I not be concerned about Iraq, that dusty country, in which there are more than a hundred and twenty thousand people who are just learning to be free again, and also many animals? And about all the other countries? Don’t die, but speak the truth across America. Teach them how their lives affect the rest of the world. Teach them that the oil in Iraq is so precious because their lifestyles are causing it to run out. Oklahoma is not a lost cause. Teach them peace and justice, and educate them in the good ways. Maybe you could even run for President’. And Jonas re-launched his magazine on the internet, and it could be read everywhere, and it could not be censored, yea, not even by the filters of Google China.
Susannah Cornwall
